Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I feel like I'm on my blog all the time complaining about things.  Well here I go again.  I am so tired of my struggles. 

Again, I know people have it worse then me, but I am tired of it!  Right now I am so frustrated that we are having severe thunderstorm and the stupid digital tv won't keep a signal and I'm missing Biggest Loser!  I'm to poor to afford cable, my apartment has their own cable so we can't go out and get any good deals.  And it's not the fact that we are poor... I just can't manage money... but more on that later.

I love Biggest Loser, it's inspiring seeing everyone overcome their weight problems.  But what am I doing?  Sitting at home on my ass eating a pan of brownies or a birthday cake.  I sit and cry constantly that I need and want to lose weight.  And here I am watching a show about changing life and losing weight and I am shoveling horrible foods down my throat.  Biggest Loser just makes me feel like a huge loser. 

That brings me to my weight, that's a constant struggle.  I was born fat.  I grew up fat.  I grew up on McDonalds, Pizza and Fried Foods.  My favorite thing growing up... Fried Potatoes.  Mom would fix them with spaghetti.  Spaghetti hasn't been the same since I moved out.  I am poor so I have to eat the fast and cheap foods that are packed full of unhealthy junk and no good stuff.  I love food.  I love the taste, the smell, the look.  I love trying new foods.  I love eating... and it shows.  I have extra body parts and invented new body parts. I have extra thighs and arm wrinkles.  I've invented back boobs.

Money Struggles.  We all have them at one point in our life.  4 years ago, I fail victim to the joy and luxury of credit cards.  I bought every thing I wanted.  I bought my friends things and spoiled everyone at the holidays.  I traveled.  I lived.   Then the bills came in.  27 working an entry level office job didn't pay the bills. $49,000 in debt I filed for bankruptcy.  I learned my lesson.. so I thought.  Soon after my bankruptcy cleared, I started receiving credit card offers in the mail.  I applied.  Approved.  So the cycle repeats it's self.  Not as bad, thank god!  But all my cards are maxed and I lose my job.... then I lose my part time job.  I get unemployment checks.  I paid the minimum and blew the rest.  My mom warned me a couple times to save it all, but I didn't listen.   Once again, Mother was right.  And she knows it!  I get reminded of it weekly.  I love her to death, but I'm not one to have my problems rubbed in my face over and over... especially if I would have listened to her!  Mom is so supportive and loving and giving.  I lose my temper easily when things don't go my way and I start to get rude with her sometimes, and that isn't right.  I get my temper from my father.  Mother has been a life saver to me for so many years.  I feel guilty when I am rude and unthankful.  I love her to death and would be lost with out her.  I just need to learn to listen to her more often!  99% of the time she is right!  So thank goodness the job struggle has ended, but I still have the bills.  I can barely keep my head above water.  I'm drowning slowly.  After my husband gets paid on Friday, We will have $3 dollars to our name.  That doesn't include gas or groceries.  Not to mention that I am suppose to be going on vacation in less then 2 weeks. 

I know you may be asking, why are you going on vacation if you are in this situation!?  Well, my mother bought us all tickets for Disney World.  We have to go!  We just don't have money for anything else.  She gets so upset with me when I tell her that we only have money to eat crackers on vacation.  But it's true.  I try saving money.  It doesnt work.  I have it saved, I spend it.

I've been struggling with my relationship with my husband.  Both are nerves have been stressed to the max.  Every little thing we do drives the other one nuts.  I know we will work it out.  We sit down and talk daily about our struggles.  But it's so upsetting to know that we are so stressed out about our situations right now.  I chewed his head off because he spent $3.17 on some snacks for work.  Well, why did I chew his head off, it was only $3.17?  Because we were so tight on money that I only had $3 left in the bank.  That little snack ended up costing us $23.17.  Then I chew him out becuase his car takes so much money in gas every week.  I found out that instead of using our debit card, he's been putting it on a credit card. The card that I've been trying to slowly pay down!  Well I needed to fax some documents for my new job and at FedEx Office, you have to use a card to pay  (Which is a rip off, they charge $2.49 for one page and $1.49 each additional page!) I call for the balance and it's $2.80.  Seriously?! 

So of course I get all worked up, this causes a fight, and we don't talk for a few hours.  No worries, it's all worked out.  It's a double standard with me and money.  I see nothing wrong when I run out and buy lunch out or treat myself to a fountain drink, but get all angry when he does.  I guess it's because I know the money situation and when it's safe to spend it and he doesn't.  To be honest, I;m the reason we are having money troubles in the first place!

Taxes are another mess that I don't even want to get into.  My mom and I were spatting tonight because I told her that I would pay them as soon as I can.  She's told me 2 or 3 times about the payment information already this week.  I am stubborn and don't like to accept the fact that I screwed up and blew every penny we had. 

I know things are looking up for us and will get better.  I have been starting to put more trust in God and a few things have slowly turned around.  I need to put all of my trust in God and let him help and guide me through these struggles.  No worries, I won't go all God on everyone.  I know my beliefs and am comfortable expressing them when I feel need to praise and thank.  (Which brings me to another topic to blog about later!)

I hope everyone had a great Tuesday!

*sorry for any typos, i can't find spell checker on here!*

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