Tuesday, January 3, 2012

It's all built up, time to let it out.

Well after days of debating and crying ounces of tears, I've decided to join my works Biggest Loser competition.  I already have the best co-workers in the world, I know they will be super supportive of me. 

I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. EVER.  And if I don't change things, I may not be able to watch my little girl grow up and grow old with my husband.  My body aches, my feet hurt and I can't walk a block with out being winded, we wont even mention how hard it is for me to do the stairs at my house.

I've spent my whole life fat.  FAT, I'm not even going to cushion it, I'm far from chunky, chubby, obese and even morbidly obese.  I'm a couple of my co-workers in one.  I'm a few super models in one.  I've been teased. I've been humiliated. I've been embarrassed. I've been harassed.  I've been ashamed.  I'm tired of being all these things.  Growing up, I got made fun of.  DAILY.  Classmates, friends and my Brother teased and made fun of me daily.  I got called every name in the book, fatty, two ton tonya, big bertha, elephant, hippo, pig, Roseann (I'd be happy to be her size now) and many many more. 

My grandpa tried to buy my weight.  I couldn't even be motivated by money to lose.  I remember the first time I had to get off a roller coaster because I didn't fit.  The joker ride.  Humiliated.  I've squeezed into seats at stadiums and listened to the people next to me make fun and make rude comments because I was "squishing" them.  I got called up in front of an airport full of people to be told I was too big to fly and needed to purchase a second ticket.  Tears. 

Dating. Horrible. That's all I'm saying on this subject.  I am so lucky that I met my husband who loves me no matter what.  Who doesn't look at me like a fat person.  Just his beautiful wife.

My whole life I've been fighting my weight.  Every time I get my hopes crushed, or I get depressed or lonely, I eat.  It doesn't make sense, something that makes me so sad, I turn too.  It's an addiction.  It's comfort.  It's my friend. 

My uncle said it best "food was my friend & my friend is killing me".  I don't want to die this way.  I am too young to be thinking about dieing. 

2012 - bring it!


mariehahn13 said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've already started working on me :) I'd love to help you in any way that I can! I'm always here for you :) Keep your head up and know that you CAN do it, and you WILL :)

Tonya said...

thanks marie! we can do this... for real this time!

mariehahn13 said...

Yes we can! And we WILL. Just the smallest little changes have made me feel so much better already. That feeling is addictive :)